Accepting The Pain of Transformation

Accepting the pain of transformation and engaging it fully is part of the process of beginning to resolve what has remained unresolved abandonment in your life. Transformation is a process of change. Chosen change. Change, by its very nature is often a painful process. Transformation is a process of change in nature or character. The type of transformation that unfolds in the process of personal growth, healing, and recovery. Transformation by its very nature produces pain and/or discomfort. This pain and discomfort has its roots in the unresolved abandonment of childhood, which for some, is more profound than for others and might involve intense fear of abandonment that arouses powerful aversion to connecting to this transformative pain.


© A.J. Mahari – All rights reserved.

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2 Responses to “Accepting The Pain of Transformation”
  1. Sarah says:

    Hello, AJ. I’ve been diagnosed and have been working on my recovery for about a 2 years. I’ve totally turned my life upside down. At my old job, I was an elite ski instructor and supervisor. I am very good at teaching and taking people to really scary places and making them feel safe and able to confront those fears to down some pretty incredible terrain. Yet, at the end of the day, I’d go home and feel like I was dying. The industry is based on personality. When you are judged by your personality and your physical attributes there is a lot of pressure to ‘be a certain way’. I was always feeling extremely vulnerable – not knowing if I was going to work day to day. It’s competitve, political, hierarchy and very chauvanistic in its industry. I would feel so vulnerable that I felt like I was dying inside.
    I’d go home and take it out on my kid, or ignore her and discuss every little ‘trigger’ on the phone with a friend for hours, day after day. Over and over it was like this.
    Now, I’ve walked away from the industry, am focusing on my art work, and working a job that pays half or less of what I used to make. I’m at peace and enjoying being in touch with a different side of the community in which I live.

    I really need some guidance on what the pain all means. I know when and how it occurs, yet I’ve made decisions to really move away from things, people or situations that make me feel suffocated, extremely vulnerable, frustrated, etc. This feels like I’m letting my fears control me in part. The lack of self worth is why I would feel the pain at my job. I know it. Yet, I’m just so fragile emotionally that I cannot handle it. I have been getting direct feedback from them that YES, YOU ARE EMOTIONAL and it is unacceptable.
    Talk about sending me into shame and more vulnerability.
    My relationship which is 10 years old has been fraught with the same issues. My boyfriend left after my daughter was 18 months. I have never been able to get over the rejection and abandonement. Devestating. I barely coped. I did, yet with a very deep fear of men. THis is subsiding, thankfully. I have some very good male friends right now, thankfully. The boyfriend – controlling, rescuing, sort of learning about support, has depressed tendencies, behaves in a disassociative manner and is very invalidating. Not all the time, yet I also feel like I’m going to die when I’m around him.

    WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THE PAIN? Avoid it? Push it away or fight with all my might to be that person. I am so not wearing a mask anymore. I’m done with masks.
    That is my guide. When I hear or read about you talking about pain, I’m wondering – cuz I’m following the path to peace. Where the peace lies, I seek it. Even if that means, I”m not as Elite at skiing or anything for that matter….I can chill out at home and have a messy house and watch movies. I’m still struggling with my identity. THis year I disappointed people because I barely skied. Anger arises and festers when I used to derive such pleasure out of skiing.
    Where did the fun go?
    How can I control the euphoria and make it good, not egotistical? I scare myself. I am afraid of myself and my feelings. Even the highs hurt.
    These are all the things I’ve thought about in regards to life choices – pain vs no pain character building, etc.
    Any insights would be really helpful.
    Bless you for all of your work.


  2. Sarah says:

    AND, just to be accurate, the boyfriend and I have been trying to work on things for ever, it seems. My DBT group told me to focus on myself and nothing else. That was last April and I dove into our relationship, even though I’ve been struggling with so many aspects of my situation with him.

    I’m so…confused. He has offered support and even to put my on his medical for me to go to DBT for 24 weeks straight, and I’ve been telling him he needs to get support and help for how to change and grow with this situation, because clearly he doesn’t have the skills to deal with it.

    Rescuer? check Controller? check…Acting like he knows better for me than I know for myself? check. Is this all the time? No.
    I feel free when I’m on my own. I feel the weight of the world, dealing with my daughter and him. They are very different than me.
    Okay. I could write a novel, and I’m done now.